“Always asking questions” – Howard Jones
Hi there girls and boys, I hope you’re well.
To celebrate a whole ten, yes, ten, posts, I thought I’d put up a few questions that I’ve received since beginning this blog. Also, they’re short. This is deliberate as at least three people have told me that the posts are “TL;DR”. I had to look that up, too long, didn’t read. Basically then, you’re too fucking lazy to read?
Some of them are quite weird…
Do you wear a hat?
Yes, sometimes. I’ve quite a lot of hair so it’s finding one that will accommodate it.
What’s your hair like? (from the same person)
I’ve always had it in the same style, the tousled blonde look, although I tie it up or back depending on what I’m doing. Pigtails sometimes… Recently, after Lockdown1, it was professionally straightened. Looks nice..but then the problems will begin when it grows back tousley again and we are in Lockdown2:Covid’s Revenge. Tousley is now a word.
The journey or the destination?
The journey, every time. I mean, if it’s a nice journey. There have been very few times when the journey has been disappointing…but even then the destination is usually worth it. A trip to Durham is usually unexciting, but when I arrive I’m always happy, the place just makes me feel nice. Then there was the shouty young lady down the street at my first house. She always took exception to the fact I was walking hand in hand with Ellie. “Dykes, lezzas”.. blah blah. I asked her if she wanted to know more, personally, about us. Turns out she did, but when we got down to it she just lay there, as stiff as a board, and has been as quiet as a mouse since. That journey was crap, but I still…arrived nicely.
You say you have an english degree, but the way you write doesnt suggest that.
Thanks.. I did say in Hello! that I’m here for fun, not to be put in front of an examination board. And English has a capital E.
Can you send me your panties?
I could. I can’t see the attraction myself, (you abject liar, Anna). Make me an offer for my knicks and I’ll donate the money to charity.
Do you make money from your blog?
No, I’ve not enabled that, as you can see by the screenshot.
If you could be an animal, what would it be?
Do you mean favourite colour? Only teasing, my transatlantic friend! Pink is good, red, or a good dark blue.
You tease about sex, why not just tell us?
WordPress will complain. I’ve had to tone down School, Confidence and Ellie significantly. And anyway, tease is always better than sleaze.
Why don’t you have a phone?
Can I have your number?
My house phone? Oh go on then. It’s 0191 33 …..No.
When was your first kiss?
You want the year? My first proper kiss was in 2003, with a girl named Becky. The diaries come in handy sometimes.
I’m an ex-marine, and I can fuck all nite, wanna be my slut?
Why are u so dismissive of men?
I’m not. Be polite and I can be talkative. I have the same attitude towards women who whisper before saying hi, or are pushy or can’t use PROPER FUCKING WORDS. “Hw r u?”. No politeness, no talky. Some men in my life are great. My two sets of gay tenants in Durham, Ellie’s dad, Abby’s dad. They all have their uses, whether for IT, lawyers, electricians. Some of them are even good at conversation.
Why do you run so much?
This is a strange one. Why, because I like to stay fit. Being a lifeguard can involve long periods of doing nothing but sitting in a chair. I think my eight miles a day and then an hours swim is adequate. That word always reminds me of Amsterdam. We had gone there for a hen night, and were passing a live sex show place, the bloke outside shouting, “Adequate filth and sleaze, adequate filth and sleaze”. I had to tell him the meaning of adequate, at which he asked what he should be using. I suggested “a cornucopia of”, or “plentiful”, or “breathtaking”. I had to write it down but as the people of the Netherlands are excellent speakers of English, he read it only once and then he was off.. I’m pleased to say that I returned there last year he pointed at me while still shouting those suggested words.
Why are you so big-headed?
I know. I’m writing this about me, what do you want me say? Unless you’d like me to write about things that don’t affect me, or are yet to happen? Perhaps my next post will be entitled, “UK Driving regulations, and Next Week’s Lottery Numbers”. I like to think that this doesn’t come across as me me me. By all means correct what I say, or suggest another path for the blog to proceed in. I’m always open to suggestions.
Do you have a preferred make-up brand?
I tend to use Boots own stuff, and Clarins for a cleanser. I’m quite pale, so have to use anything sparingly as otherwise I end up looking like Aunt Sally. When made-up, by an actual professional make-up artist, I can look half-pretty!
Can I visit you/see you/buy you a drink?
No. I take my privacy seriously. I adore my work, and would detest anyone turning up to say hello. We had a lad working in the gym who had the same thing. A woman knew where he worked, she would arrive every other day, looking through the windows, waiting for him to drive home or send him flowers. It’s stalking, plain and simple, even if the stalker thinks it’s a bit of harmless fun. Of course I can’t prevent a person bumping into me in the street and thinking, “that’s Anna, nice arse”, (haha), but if it happened more than once I’d take myself offline for good, and change jobs. Please don’t.
What’s the place you like the most?
Here, in the UK, either Durham or Tynemouth. In my travels? Rome, easily. I’ve visited five times, and with each trip the place gets better. I’m practically a local. There is a waiter in one of the restaurants around Piazza Navona that will shout, “Girl from Newcastle, Alan Shearer” at me, because on the first occasion I visited I was wearing a Newcastle shirt, with Shearer’s name on the back. See, I’m recognisable! Each trip to Rome was on my own, apart from the last time when I took Ellie. You’d think that my Italian would improve, but it extends as far as per favore and grazie, with maybe a smattering of, “Dov’è il bagno per favore?”, and, “No no, if I want to kiss my girlfriend on the steps of St. Peter’s then I will”. I wish.
Then there is India, oh I liked India. I wasn’t prepared for the poverty though. I’d see images and video, but when you arrive, the scale blows you away. It’s so sad. But on the other and you see Delhi, Agra, then on to see the Taj Mahal and have my pic taken on the “Princess Di” bench, but also to check in with a friend from uni. He’s a policeman in the area and I was there for his wedding. A fantastic occasion, bridesmaids..wow. Do I want to dance.. well try and stop me. Do I want to get made up and try on the bridesmaid dresses… Fuck yes. AND they had dhol drums which sound fantastic. From there I went to Jaipur, then south to Mumbai, getting hotter and hotter, and ended up with another uni friend in Madurai. All on my own. People ask if I ever get frightened or scared while travelling alone. I don’t. I believe that if you want to find trouble then you will. I walked through a slum in Delhi, at night, and was treated kindly by everyone. One young lad told me not to walk on that side of the road as it gets wet later down the path. Another gave me a bottle of water but wouldn’t take anything for it. I’ve mentioned that Ellie’s mum is Indian, and she did warn me before going, don’t go there, stay away from there etc, (with me all the while thinking, you have a lovely mouth) but I found no trouble. There will be of course. It seems every week you hear of some poor girl being raped by a gang of cretinous bastards.
Are you sure I cant meet you?
I’m a Christian and am offended that you think there is no afterlife.
Well as a Christian, can’t you turn the other cheek? I subscribe to the opinion that we have this short life and then that’s it. The circumstances that have occurred just to get us born are astronomical. To avoid disease, death etc, in a family line going back centuries, (or be an invention of god 6000 years ago, if you follow the creationists), to get to the point where, excuse the profanity, a couple fuck, are immense. This is your life. You need to live it.
The afterlife though. There is NO proof. In the history of man and woman there has not been a single recorded, verifiable, and repeatable occurrence of a spirit, ghost of whatever you want to call them. Our mind is wired so that we recognise and want to see shapes and designs. Why else would there exist Katie Price? I see her for example, and recognise that she’s an utter slapper.
I know folk can get scared of, say, a dark shadow in the room, or a glimpse of something from the corner of your eye, but this is all just our defence mechanism which has evolved to keep us safe from lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Or cats and dogs and budgies, if you live in the UK. I’ve been on a couple of ghost hunts, and found them quite the most mundane experiences, despite the host’s exuberance..”Look look an orb in my photo”. You mean the speck of airborne dust that the flash has caught, in this dusty castle, with extra dust? Show me that image from another angle, taken at the same moment, where this orb appears between the two cameras and is of the same large size in both images, and maybe we’ll talk. Money grabbing charlatans abound and we have to stand up against them. Did ANY of them get a message from their spirit guides to say, look, you’d better get some toilet paper stocked up, as there’s going to be a fucking huge virus attack all over the world.. ?
How do you write, with what and where?
I’ve already mentioned Moleskine journals, and for a pen I use most anything, at the moment it’s a Papermate. For the best writing experience, a ballpoint on banana skin feels superb. For diaries this just isn’t practicable. “Hi there. I’m trying to find Anna’s place”. “Oh that’s easy, just follow the cloud of flies”. Both my writing and this blog are done on a desk which was rescued from a junk shop. The bloke was more than happy to let it go, as it was “just in the way”. It was stuffed with papers and once it was man and woman-handled into place in the bay window, I set about delving into them. They were mostly bills and newspapers, but in the back was a bundle of letters. They were written during the war, from a sergeant on the front lines in France, to his wife here in Tynemouth. Some of it was heart-rending stuff, his friends dying, the explosions, the pain.. Also, behind the letters in a drawer which you wouldn’t know was there if you didn’t look, were some medals. From the letters, I found the address here in Tynemouth. I was a tad excited but Google and a visit show it has long gone. However as the soldier was from the Durham Light Infantry, and they have a museum, I took everything to them. The short story is that the letters and medals are now with the family in New Zealand. They sent me a picture of the couple, who had many a year together after the war, which sits on the desk. (Hello Margaret and John). I’m so soppy. I like to think they’d appreciate it is still being used for the purpose it was bought for. Sometimes junk shops can be was worth the time.
Don’t you feel lonely on your own?
Never. I can make my own amusement! You know when you’re online and someone tells you they are bored? What, you’re bored of the internet and the real world? Please.
Italian or Chinese?
I like both, but to get to my heart, fish and chips, or a good hotpot with buttered crusty bread.
Do you wear glasses? I like a girl in glasses, they look good with cum dripping from them.
Yes I do, on the odd occasion, but just for a long stretch at a computer screen. As for the second part, I’ll pass thanks.
What type of music do you like?
All sorts. 70’s disco, 80’s pop, electronica such as Yazoo, Depeche Mode, but then Coldplay loom large in my playlists, as does Prince. My fave tune is easily Earth Wind and Fire’s “Let’s Groove Tonight”. The horns at 9, 18 and 20 seconds in, my my, then at the end, 5.14, that hits the spot, that one just there. The second on the list will be EWF again, “September”. After that, too many to call. I used to be in a dance troupe, until I realised that the younger girls could do stuff effortlessly what I couldn’t any more. I’ll dance anywhere. If there’s music in a shop, thats me, nodding my head and tapping my feet..too long there and I’m twisting my hips, I just cant not!
Don’t mind if I do. But your ears might.
Tell me which college you were in while at Durham Uni?
Do you dye your hair? (He’s back!)
I don’t, I’m a natural blonde, although I did have a two-week spell as a brunette.
I no were u live and am coming to see u wen i get there imma gonna rape u.
OK. Bring a dictionary and I’ll teach you a few things. If you DO know, whoopie-fucking-do. You tell me when you’re going to be there, and I’ll do a strip in my window for you. Is that a deal? That’s my stripping skills unused for another few months then.
Do you like chocolate?
I try not to, as it sometimes gives me a slight headache, but Green and Black’s milk is just about my fave.
How many girls have you had sex with?
Christ. Fifteen? That sounds terrible, Anna. But then, eight of those are girls from school that still meet up, so if you subtract those… haha, I’m an angel.
Whats on your keychain? (?)
Umm..keys? OK, house key for here, one for Durham. A plastic fob thing containing a pic of Ellie and a bit of her hair, so I can clone her. A nail file/clipper, and a keyring of Padre Pio, given to me by Father Dave when I was 17. The religious upbringing seems to want to hang about. I try not to carry tons about with me, so a small handbag is usually all I take out and about. Now of course you’ll want to know whats in that..
Do you wear jewellery?
I have some of course, but only tend to wear a ring on my little finger. My precioussss.
Are you pierced?
In my ears I am, even if I wear earrings for effect only rarely. If you mean anywhere else, I’m not.
Do you have tattoos?
No. I’ve nothing against one or two, but the girls you see with lots of them? A turn off.
Do you struggle with any words?
When typing, yes. “containing” for some reason, “Christmas”, also “printing”. When speaking though, not much.
What makes you happy/sad?
How long do you have, there are people that won’t have got this far down the list, lazy bastards?! Too many things on both sides, but children laughing for happy, injustice and liars for sad, just for starters.
Would you go out with a man if he promised not to touch you?
I have done, with work colleagues etc, but if you mean on a date then that isn’t going to happen.
“Oops upside your head” or “Disco inferno”?
“Do you wanna funk?”
How often do you masturbate? Where do you do it?
Well. Every day? Sometimes more. It’s a rare day when I don’t, circumstances allowing. When the decorators are around I tend not to, but leading up to then, more so. In the shower…in the bath…showerhead in the bath….in bed, on the bed, in this chair… The possibilities are endless.
What is your ideal woman?
Ideal, or fantasy? An ideal one would be, and I’m sorry to labour this point, Ellie, followed closely by Abby. If a girl can make me laugh until I wee myself, can kiss like a demon and make me a great cuppa, then that’s a great start. Fantasy though.. Kylie Minogue, Kate Humble, (hair like mine is a good attractor), Alex Polizzi, Abby Philip from CNN, the list goes on.
How far can you see your blog continuing?
Good one! I’ve no plans to end it. I don’t sit and plan what’s going to appear, it writes itself and then I give it a highly inventive title. We’ll see after six months or so, but at the moment I’m having around 30 hits a day.
I really like the sound of you, can we meet?
“The sound of” and reality may be differing things. I mean I’m me, 31, female, but what are you expecting? I’m not going to be your dream woman, and I don’t drag someone off to bed on a first date, so why do you want to meet me?
When is ur birthday?
How do you vote?
With a pen. I vote Labour.
Ever had sex with a man?
Have you seen their bodies?
Do you follow football?
Off and on. Nationally I wouldn’t be able to tell you who is in the England squad as I have no interest, but locally I occasionally attend Newcastle United games. Growing up here and as a one team city, you are drawn in. When Rafa Benitez was manager the atmosphere around the town was wonderful, but then he’s such a nice man. At the time I had a season ticket, but didn’t attend every game as I have things to do on a Saturday. I am however a regular at Newcastle Eagles basketball, and at the Falcons, although rugby is a game with rules even players can’t grasp. Offside, anyone?
How often do you get your hair cut? (aaand he’s baa-aack)
Once a month.
Can you send me some? (stalker material)
That’s it for now. If there’s anything you’d like to know about, apart from my hair, then drop me a line at the contact link.
As ever, thanks for reading.