20) Q and A 2 : Question Harder

Hi there girls and boys, I hope you’re well.

More from the ever-inquisitive folk of the internet..

Do you like poetry?

No, is the short answer. At school one of the nuns was forever trying to get us to learn a poem a month. It was the only part of the curriculum I hated. Maybe I just don’t have the poetic gene, or maybe I’m just dim.

I’m a ghost hunter and have proof the afterlife exists.

Educate me. I’d love to be able to see the proof, so come on!

Which pool do you work at?

A wet one.

No really, which one?

OK, I’ll give you a clue, it’s got water in it. (as opposed to cocaine…)

As a woman, don’t you feel the need to have babies? Coz if you ever do, I’m putting myself forward to be the father.

Ahh, isn’t that sweet? And such sacrifice on your part! No, children are great, but not for me. I’m not even sure I could. My periods are all over the place, ranging from three to five weeks apart, so planning your visit would be a nightmare… If at any point you want more info on the child-bearing topic, feel free to ask somebody else, as I don’t care to know. Friends have babies and I can’t get enough of the changing, feeding, getting them off to sleep.. If you want a babysitter that could do the job when the parents are present, I’m your girl! However, I like to hand them back to the parents soon enough as well.

Have you ever used drugs?

Twice, during my two-week bad girl phase. You will know of my disdain for drugs if you’ve read some of the postings I’ve made, but it was weed, cannabis, grass, whatever you want to call it.

y dont u like hardcore porn images?

We’re all different. Why don’t you like punctuation? I prefer softer images because I do, don’t expect an in-depth answer. I don’t even like the gynaecological “open” images of girls. This is why I was happy to see a channel for my type of image appearing on a chat site recently, although sadly there are still males in some of the images. I’m working on eradicating such pics by posting some huge images in order to whisk away from my sight the ones I don’t like.

I love your style of writing, have you ever considered a book?

Well thanks but no, I just don’t have the imagination required.

You can appear very hard when you chat and in responses to questions.

What can I say? The written word carries no emotion. Text messages account for a large amount of arguments, from what my friends tell me.

You will stay safe when sea swimming, and watch out for sharks?

Oh I do, and thanks for the concern. I wear a wetsuit, never go alone and always tell someone where I’ve gone. As for sharks..this is the North Sea and although we do have them I’ve never seen one. Dolphins yes, but no great whites here. They’d need a hat and scarf.

u dint asnwer my question bout me an u hookin up for sum black american cock up fuck white bitch

Getting all excited there? From your images posted, I can see that you like black men with large penises. Let’s leave the colour thing alone for a moment. The fact that they are dangling their appendage near a woman is also strange as it’s almost as if you’re asserting that the poor little woman is socially below the man. That’s number one. Number two, I’m gay, if it had escaped your attention. Number three, perhaps you should find one of these well-endowed black men that you’re so fond of, and ask them for a fuck as most of said images are of anal sex. I can’t see any other reason for your liking of posting ONLY images of black on white sex, apart from your perceived domination of one colour over another. Has the past history of your country taught you nothing?

Can I send you a Christmas card?

No really, I’m not a fan, but thanks.

What plans do you have for the new year?

Well if COVID lets up, I should be going to New Zealand for a wedding and to camp for two weeks. This would be my second visit and I’m looking forward to the sights of South Island this time. But if you means new year’s eve, nothing apart from sleep.

Wjat are you esaring right this mment?

At the time, I was in a jumper and jeans, but didn’t respond. If you can’t correct your spelling before hitting return, don’t expect an answer. I know it may be difficult with one hand, but I manage. AS IF!

Are you missing anything through the virus?

YES! Being at the pool, social interaction, a Sunday lunch at the pub, smiling at strangers, but mostly hugs.

Weren’t you on Twitter a while back?

I was and am at the moment, although it’s just for my politics.

Window open or closed when sleeping?

Open, whatever the weather. The sound of the rain, or the sea at Tynemouth is sleep-inducing.

i can hack ur email an tell ur frends ur a skank

My friends know my style of writing by now. We have safewords set up to check a sender, those with phones have the same. But if you can, well go ahead. Good luck. I had to look up “skank” and am happy to report that I’m not.

and on safewords..

How far do you go during sex, strangulation, BDSM…

We’ll look at this sort of thing on another post

Bath or shower?

Either. Each has it’s merits, a shower for a quick wash, a bath for a relaxing hour with a book.

What starsign are you?

If you’ve read any of this blog then you’ll know I don’t believe in such rubbish. How can the alignment of stars affect your life? Wouldn’t everybody born under Capricorn be the same, doing the same thing, acting the same way? Then there is the fact that when we look up at those billions of points of light..some of them don’t exist anymore! The light transmitted from them takes so long to get here, so my “star-chart on the moment I was born” that people will try to sell you cannot possibly be accurate as the stars may have burned out long ago. All we see is light that is still travelling towards us.

ur boring and so is ur blog

And your mum is so fat because every time the postman fucks her, he gives her a biscuit.

Have you been affected in any way by the witch?

Not a bit. In fact I feel a tad healthier!

Have you ever totally fucked up something?

Oh yes. When being a beginner at the pool thing, I added way too much chlorine. WAY too much. So much so that we had to close, drain the pool, fill it, make sure the pH was at the proper level of 7.5, and because it was my fault I was made to do all of this myself. Lesson learned. I now make up batches of chlorine in sealed containers and make them available at one at a time only, in order that even a fool can’t get it wrong. I could talk all day about free chlorine, combined chlorine, etc.

What was your favourite subject at school?

RE, maybe surprisingly. As I knew I didn’t believe it, I could look on it as an hour of storytelling. Physics was also good, and I still remember the very first thing I learned, Boyle’s Law. For a fixed mass of gas at a constant temperature, the pressure is inversely proportional to the volume. Served me well in life that has….

Where and at what time would you like to visit?

The chip shop at 12 o’clock? Do you mean going back in time? Leaving aside the obvious answer of Belfast, I’d quite like to visit the 1900’s in this area, to look at the new buildings that were everywhere, the shops that appear to have been in every street, going by old photos. It looked to be a more homely time. One could argue that even a Newcastle or Durham of 40 years ago would be a nice place to see, with all of the changes that have happened to both cities in that time. Of course, any such view is rose-tinted. You rarely see the deprivation in older footage, and then there’s the butterfly effect. You stand on a fly in 1905 and then in 1985 you have a nazi government…hang on!

and speaking of politics..

Will you be rejoining the Labour Party now Corbyn has been re-instated?

No, and as long as we have the likes of Keir Abstain Starmer, never. We need a new party to represent actual decent folk that have left-wing tendencies. The current party does not do that. It will be interesting to see if Starmer attends the Durham Gala this year. The man is a total wet end.

Can I send you a birthday card?

Well thanks, but no. If it weren’t for people doing that I’d soon forget it was my birthday, I just don’t tend to celebrate it.

Do you know many nun jokes from your schooldays?

A few, my favourites being..

A nun is in the bath when there’s a knock on the door. Oh no, she thinks, I can’t let anyone in here while I’m taking a bath. “Who is it?”. “It’s the blind man,” comes the reply. Well, I suppose if it’s a blind man there’s no harm letting him in, thinks the nun, and tells the man to come in. A man in overalls walks in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. “Nice tits love,” he says. “Now where do you want your blind?”

Two nuns are in the bath. One says, “Where’s the soap?”. The other replies, with her eyes closed and a dreamy look on her face, “Yes, doesn’t it?”

Two nuns are driving down the road when all of a sudden the devil appears on the bonnet of the car. The nun driving is shocked and says to the nun in the passenger seat, “Ahh! what should I do!?” The nun in the passenger seat replies “Show him your cross!”. So the nun driving leans out the window and yells “GET OFF MY BONNET YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!!”

I can remember actually weeing myself with laughter the first time I heard the last one. I was in the toilet cubicle at the time, so no harm done.

Can you record some audio for the blog, hearing your voice would be nice.

Perhaps, although don’t expect me to start a Youtube channel or a podcast.

Does your gf approve of you talking about her, mine wouldn’t!

She doesn’t mind, and is writing a few notes for a future post.

Who was the person you first had a crush on?

We didn’t call it a crush, here we say “fancy”. So, who did I first fancy? Ellie’s mum, definitely, although at the time I didn’t know what it was, I just found her so nice to look at and to talk to. Kylie Minogue though, she must have been there as well..still is!

Do you think you’re funny? Because you aren’t.

I can’t tell a joke. My normally measured speech speeds up towards the punch line. I do love standup comedy though and am a regular audience member at The Stand in Newcastle. People like Tom Stade, Michael McIntyre, Jack Dee and Mickey Flanagan..heaven. As for being funny on the written page, that’s a matter of opinion but then I don’t try to be.

Can you speak other languages?

No, although I have a smattering of Italian and French. Also alavida, jaldī mileṃgein, and Aap kaisi hain? in Hindi. Please don’t ask me to have a conversation though, I don’t know anymore!

Have you ever been an addict?

To a substance, never. Is tea addiction a thing, though?

Can u cook?

I can, having spare time I’ve been to a few courses, but Mum2 is a great cook as is Ellie’s mum, so I’ve earned from them. I could definitely scrape something from the pan for you.

What’s the best present you’ve ever received?

Good one. Something that has thought in it and is useful, such as a keyring. Lately I was given a magnetic pad that sits on my fridge on which to write notes..I am a complete fool when it comes to remembering things, and have stashed notebooks everywhere round the house.


Of course! Here’s the deal. IF you’re a girl, IF I fancy you, IF Ellie or Abby wants to, IF you’re a non-smoker, IF you’re clean, IF you can spell…

Are you a cat or dog person?


I have a kitten, well now a growing cat, next door. She hates my guts, and I don’t know why. She’ll sit on my step, even go to sleep there sometimes, but when she sees me coming it’s all claws and flat ears. Yet when her owner is there, she’s as nice to me as you’d like. Dogs are the same, just untrustworthy. THEN there are the ones that keep spiders and snakes..ergh!

Something you’ve always wanted to try in bed?

Well..I’ve had jam on toast, but the crumbs get everywhere. I’ve done most of my wishlist as far as sex goes. A little bit more of being gently tied up would be nice, but just contact with another human would be superb at the moment. Thanks, Boris, you utter twat. #toryscum

Do u like to dress up for sex?

It has been known for me to don a schoolgirl outfit, nurse, burglar. Burglar is fun, I mean as long as your partner knows it’s going to happen. A punch in the face or, if you are elsewhere in the world a shot to the heart, (and you’re to-oo blame) would be a passion killer.

Do u have a weurd turn on?

What’s weird? Each to their own. Want to smear peanut butter on your nipples? Go ahead. (Smooth, mind you!). Being caught is a thing, I suppose. Knowing a person could come in at any time adds a certain something. Some people get turned on by the spelling of weurd.

R U afreais of anythi like aphobia?

Not keen on spiders, although they are amazing. I’m ok with heights, water, closed and open spaces, flying, although the landings..hold my hand, I have to hold a hand, even the stranger sitting next to me and I’ve never yet had anyone say no. The dark is more than ok, as are needles, people.. A specific fear though…… dentists. I’m blessed with nice teeth but I HAVE to be knocked out for even the simplest of checkups. I’ve been known to make an appointment then call to cancel two minutes later, with my lovely dentist Henry calling me back to tell me that I’d better turn up, and yes he has plenty of gas available.

What would you study if you had to back to school?

Do you want the obvious answer of Ellie’s arse? If you mean school as in learning, well… physics.

Do you believe in ghosts?

No. This has been covered, but as ever I’m willing to have my mind changed by proof.

Are your friendly with any of your exes?

I don’t have any exes. I may have slept with a few women but as far as relationships go, I’ve only had one, and she’s still very much around.

Do you believe in fate or destiny?

Not a lot. Only once has something happened that could, maybe, perhaps be attributed to that, but no, In a future post I may tell you about it. As I’ve said before, we are wired to see patterns, and think more into them that they mean.

Do you have a favourite love song?

Yes, it’s called Love Song by Madonna and Prince..not a love song!

What embarrasses you?

Cringey videos, the people that shout when a normal voice would do, over the top campness, drag queen names, (Ophelia Balls, DJ at The Bank in Newcastle but in fairness he’s a lovely man), manga, cosplay, BROMIES, (I mean really!).

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Not. A. Chance.

Do you sing in the shower?

Oh yes, all of the time. I often sing around the house, it keeps the wild animals away.

Have you ever used a gun?

Strange question, as you must know that I live in the UK. No, and can’t imagine why I’d ever want to.

Do you like musicals?

I can do. Grease is fab, the live showings of it where the audience splits to sings the male and female parts are really nice. Trolls is a musical, love that, and the Greatest Showman is a top one as well. Oliver! is outstanding.

What was the last concert you saw?

As in a band? Marti Pellow, The Lightning Seeds, Midge Ure, Nick Heyward, Gabrielle, all at Bents Park in South Shields on a great evening, and Rick Astley here in Tynemouth, all last year (2019).

Can you curl your tongue?

Seriously, where do you get these from? Yes I can, it’s very versatile! They don’t call me the giraffe for nothing…

Best opening to a song.

The Prodigy’s Firestarter, oh I love that. Then there is Queen’s Somebody to Love, the Pet Shop Boys’ Opportunities, La Primavera by Sash, 20th Century Boy from T Rex, The Way You Make Me Feel from MJ….

When was the last time you hugged someone?

Christmas day, Ellie’s mum and dad. Now we are in Lockdown3:Boris’s Mistake, it’s going to be some time before I do that again. Abby is just up the road, as in literally five minutes walk away when I’m in Durham but is in her parents bubble, so not even her.

What really turns you off a person?

Smoking. One of our little group of schoolfriends is a smoker, although only about three a day. When she knows she is going to visit she doesn’t have any for a few days beforehand, which is very much appreciated by me. However, if you have her fingers in your mouth, (lets just say she’s holding sweets and you want them transferred..) there is still that very faint nicotine thing. Not nice, but at the same time her breath, and other places, have no trace of it.

Since the law changed to ban smokers from pubs, you’ve now got to run the gauntlet of the addicts at the entrances to these places, which can be worse than the inside used to be. Smoking kills you, please don’t do it.

Would you rather… have two kids and no money, or no kids but two million dollars?

Here’s a prime example of not reading the blog. It’s a bit of a redundant question on both counts.

Are you high maintenance? I’m looking for a cheap girlfriend.

Certainly not. Take me to KFC, not to lunch at the Hilton, buy me a bag of chips, but not a diamond ring. I’ll take you there and buy you one. I just don’t get the people that must have the flashiest of things, just because they can. Some rappers do this, look at my bling, I think I’ll get my teeth covered in gold. Dicks.

And this week’s daftest question goes to…

Are your grandparents still married?

The short answer is that I have no family at all, but more to the point, why ask if somebody’s grandparents are still married? I’ve thought about this one quite a bit, and still can’t arrive at a suitable conclusion!

That’s all for now, dear readers. Hopefully I’ll be answering some more soon.

As ever, thanks for reading.



7th of January, 2021


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