34) Q and A 3

Hi there girls and boys, I hope you’re well.

Our third Q & A, and as you’ll see, some of the worst questions yet…

Do you wear bralettes?

I do, love them in fact.

Do you have a bible

Yes, I’ve two. One is a huge old thing from 1721 that was bought at the same place I rescued this writing desk from, and as a decoration it’s nice. The other is a bog standard paperback version. I do read them. I find it amusing that the book tells you that a talking snake spoke to Eve, but that the same book when used in court is the one you swear to tell the truth on.

Any fate or karma befell you from the witches?

Have a guess!

How is covid affecting your area?

In much the same as anywhere else, I suppose, no schools, travel restrictions, and no hugs.

Ok you’re going to have to leave home and live in space, with only another four people for ever..who do you take?

Fuck me! What’s happened? Has the meteor that EVERYBODY saw apart from me landed, unleashing alien death-spiders? (Seriously, it seems everybody I talk to in the street saw this thing). I can’t answer. The easy answer is Ellie, and my foster parents..but then Ellie’s parents, Abby.. an impossible decision…and why am I going to have to live in space? As long as I don’t get a visit from the current incarnation of Doctor Who, that’s fine.

And if you had to host a dinner party for five famous people?

We often have them or at least did before the plague. Living people? Jimmy Carr, Jeremy Corbyn, Deborah Meaden, Judi Dench, and Bear Grylls. Although why they’d choose to have dinner with me, I can’t imagine.

Who would be the absolute worst person to be stuck in a lift with?

Somebody with less than good personal hygiene? Or a name? You want me to say #45, don’t you? No, it’s got to be Thatcher. Or Adams. Or McGuinness. Worse for them, at any rate.

What was your worst date?

My most recent one, with the woman from the pool. I misjudged the situation as she saw it very badly. But otherwise, I can’t say I’ve had one because I’m not a dating sort of girl.

If you had a boat, what would you call it?

I’m unlikely to ever own a boat. I don’t know

You’re the new ruler of the world, what are the first three things you’d do?

Ooh thanks…I missed the election? Damn, I was looking forward to marching around with a gun shouting stop the steal. See, this is an opportunity to spout political diatribe. Ending poverty, yes, but how? Do you tax the rich, or just eat them? Make every country use renewable energy. We could do this, wind farms and hydro farms could power the world. Sadly the NIMBY folk would complain. I’d allow countries to have an army, as long as the budget for that army was matched a thousand fold for food for your people. And I’d ban beauty contests for kids. That’s four things, which is why I wouldn’t be ruler very long.

So i was in ur strret the in tynmouth the next thing is to find ur hous

Those dastardly signs didn’t stop you????

Do you mean you were on Google Maps? You may have got as close as it would allow, but in my street..no. I know getting out of the house is difficult for you, what with your size, those steps up from the basement, and your mum having locked the door at the top. Not to mention your Call of Duty plans for that day. If you know where I live, come and knock on the door. And punctuation is free, you know!

If you could have only one decade of music..

No need to complete the sentence, the eighties!

Do you have a theme song?

I don’t understand the question. The questioner hasn’t ever got back to me so… If they mean a tune I like above all others, then I’ve answered it previously, but a theme song?

u post shit pics they are all just of girls no hardcore an they r so big they take up my screen

Well you can always block me, or counter them with pics of cocks, but that will cause me to post ever-larger images. As far as size goes.. sorry, if you think I’m going to sit and resize them for you, think again. The same goes for the folk that don’t post.

Would you ever share your social media password with anyone?

Eh? Why would anyone do that?

You don’t have any sisters or brothers, but which would you choose?

Either, I couldn’t choose. I’ve researched my family tree. As neither mum nor dad had any siblings, and nor did their parents, and nor did their parents, I’ve no relatives. No doubt there will be a far distant cousin, but perhaps not as trees can come to a stop, and indeed mine will with me.

You don’t think we go on after death, what do you think happens?

We die. You can believe what you like, that we go to heaven, hell, become a rabbit in the woods.. I’d obviously like to think that we go on in some other form, I’ve lots of questions for mum and dad, but honestly, no. To become electricity would be good, zapping around the world, being life or death in a hospital, but also the more mundane life of boiling kettles and charging phones.

If you knew when you were to die, would you make your life better?

Listen, if I knew when death would be a-calling, I’d make sure I was out. I’ve a nice life.

And what would you want to be reborn as?

You mean what looks like a cushy life? And do I get to keep all of my human knowledge? Ok..a cat, or a tory MP. Both live in luxury, have no conscience, and can shit anywhere they like.

What one thing do you wish you knew when younger that you know now?

The location of the pothole I twisted my ankle in, causing me to tear the ligaments and now having to watch where I run as I can’t trust it not to fail again. Really though, the ability to stop talking when I should.

Why don’t you chat to me more?

Here’s the thing, I’m online a tiny bit of my day. In that time I have a few people that might want to chat. I won’t just cut everyone off to talk to one person, generally. And if you get annoyed that I am talking to others at the same time as you, sorry! So why don’t you just chat with everyone else in the room, or email me and I can deal with it at my leisure? Maybe next time you’ll be the one reason I’m not chatting to others?

Do you think you’ll ever have children? Can I help?

I’ve answered this one, and the answer is still no.

Is it true that you didn’t know what nachos were until today?

Yes..not a clue. Our transatlantic cousins sometimes forget that their culture and others sometimes don’t cross over. For example, if I were to offer you a stottie and some singing hinnies, would you know what they were? I’ve a Welsh friend that could make you some laver bread. EDIT. Just back from the shop where they sell Doritos. Let me taste one…. yuck. You know when you should have left well alone?

Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

I spell the colour as grey.

why r u such a twat to people?

Thanks! I’m not really, but as I think that you’re English as it’s we that use that word most frequently, you should be able to grasp the idea of sarcasm? It doesn’t travel well sometimes, which is funny as it’s mainly the least travelled people that can’t grasp it. You know who I mean!

Have you ever been hypnotised?

No. I’ve had a couple of people try to put me under, but it doesn’t affect me. Perhaps you have to believe?

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

A quick count later, it’s about twenty, and six pairs of boots. Ellie’s calculation that I have “about a million” is some way off.

How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

What do you mean, he isn’t real????

Can u do the splits and can i watch?

Yes I can, and no you can’t.

What’s something you really resent paying for?

There isn’t much that is produced for free. If I had to choose something that would make the world a bit better for those on lower incomes, then sanitary protection. Should be free and good on Scotland for making this the case.

Do you think aliens exist?

Absolutely. In the billions of planets out there, of course they must. Have they been here though? They only ever appear to those strange backwoods folk in the US, in-between making their pointy hoods and crawfishin’, or the even stranger folk that insist they are abducted every other night. You need to lay off the alcohol there. They travel billions of light years to our insignificant planet, but seem shy of cities.

Do you have a secret you wouldn’t tell even in confession?

We all have thoughts at some point. You may never do the actual deed, but you may think about it, however fleetingly. If you went into confession and actually confessed to every little thing that passed through your mind then you’d be there all day, and as we know, you’ve got to make room for the couple waiting outside for the cubicle to become free… ahem. If I ever become a nun, and let’s just for arguments sake I plan to then yes I will have to go down the route of deep confession..but as Father Dave explained, you’ve only got to confess in broad terms. So that theft of the Crown Jewels would be just theft, those thoughts about somebody’s mum would be only lust. I fucking love the Catholic church, it’s so vague!

What would be the worst thing to hear as you are going under anaesthesia before heart surgery?

“Well well, I was at school with an Anna. She was tall and blonde. Used to flush my head down the toilet….” I hasten to add that I never did such stuff, although had my head down it a few times.

What do you think you are much better at than you actually are?

Singing. Although 2000 people listened to me singing at a charity event, they weren’t there for just me, but were most polite, listened, applauded, and a few even stood up. Probably to avoid cramp.

And this blog. I know it could be better, but it’s the fear of losing it all if I were to tamper is too much.

If someone narrated your life, who would you want to be the narrator?

My first answer is why would anyone want to do that? OK, Val McDermid.

When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t?

Oooh good question!!! I don’t really snoop, but there are these two occasions, a good one and a bad one. Last year I was helping decorate my gay male neighbour’s apartment. As we were moving their bed, a massive vibrator fell out of the quilt, turning itself on as it hit the floor. Cue much shame then hilarity. The bad one? One time, (hello Ellie my sweet), one time I was doing the soup kitchen run for a homeless shelter. There was a woman there who I’d seen before, about 40, a drug user, very disheveled but very well-spoken. Her bags were in a shopping trolley and she asked if I could look in one for her glasses. As I peeled back the black bin liner, there were hundreds of sanitary towels, all used, that she kept and wouldn’t dispose of. I didn’t have any of the tomato soup that night.

Have you ever had dark thoughts? Contemplated suicide or self harm?

Never. There have been times when I’ve sat on the clifftop in the shelter below, and thought that I could just fade away, just close my eyes, go to sleep and not wake up. I do know that when death comes, I won’t fight it. I wont be the one doing the “rage rage against the dying of the light” thing. Not from any sort of suicidal tendencies you understand, but just that feeling when you’re content and nothing seems to matter that much and nobody would notice. This is normally on dark nights, flask of soup, blanket… I look like a homeless person even though my house is literally a hundred metres away. One of my circle of school-friends self-harms a little bit, and I could cry whenever I see a fresh mark. She’s a happy girl as well, married to a lovely man, two kids, but feels the need for a little pain in her life sometimes. I make it my mission to make sure she enjoys time with us.

If you ever see me sitting here, I’m not going to jump!

You just don’t get it about waifu.

You’re absolutely correct. I can’t see why you’d want to have a life-size pillow with the image of a badly drawn underaged girl on it, in bed with you. I get that you need agreement and compassion and likes on your posts and acceptance from your peers. I’m not bashing any particular person here, just the notion that you think that you’re in love with a character. What happens when you choose the same poorly drawn girl as somebody else? Does she share husbandos? This has to happen. There are probably, and sadly, more people eager to become emotionally attached to a character, than actual characters. Somebody is cheating! And for a marriage to occur the other party has to give consent. I’ll write more about this fascinating (to me) subject in a posting.

What are your feet like? I like feet. Feet turn me on.

Ergh!. Normal, I suppose. They have to be the worst part of the anatomy, to me at least.

Wud u mind i i call u mary, i dont like ur name.

Let’s go all the way. I could change my name, just for you. Would you like that? Dress as you like, talk the way you want me to? You could tell me what to do, where to go, when to do it, all the while calling me by my new name. Is that what you desire? I suspect the real reason is that you can’t pronounce Anna.

Do you watch the Simpsons?

No, I’m proud to say I’ve never sat through a whole episode. Beavis and Butthead though… fire, fire!!

u come across as a really insecure person.

This again from somebody that didn’t follow up with an explanation. Please get in touch and explain? I’m not pleading, I’m not that insecure to need affirmation from a total stranger.

Have you had anymore of those religious experiences? God loves you.

I’ve not, and I can’t accept they were religious.

I don’t get your Sunday Service posts, why do you put hymns in them?

You’ll be seeing no more. The hymns had titles pertaining to the previous paragraphs. I was trying to make it like a sermon, but obviously failed miserably.

And finally.

One person has been sending me a comment every day by email. Amongst these are.. (sick bag at the ready..)

You are a symbol of beauty. (You’ve not seen me)

You look mesmerising.

You are the sweetest girl I have ever seen.

Beauty is just one of the beautiful features you have.

I figure your guardians are bakers because they made you such a cutie pie!

You’re in my mind regularly, and you’ve certainly taken a place in my heart.

And this, perhaps the ugliest construction of a sentence I’ve seen…

You’ve got so charming and lovely features that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.

As ever, thanks for reading.



3rd of March, 2021


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