35) Glastonbury, and yet more waifu.

“or just twenty thousand people standing in a field” – Sorted for E’s and Whizz – Pulp

Hi there girls and boys, I hope you’re well.

An email arrived yesterday, asking if I want tickets for the Glastonbury festival. If you don’t know what it is, then basically a farmer has a few bands come and perform on his farm in Somerset. It all sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? Of course you’ve got the rain, as it will rain, the mud, the ripoff food and drink, (apart from Tor Rugby Club next to the Cider Bus, and don’t even think of buying food from anywhere near the main stages!), and 100,000 other people to contend with. I’ve “done” Glastonbury 7 times now. It’s always been a superb weekend, watching the likes of Coldplay, Earth Wind and Fire, the Prodigy, Kylie, Stevie Wonder, George Clinton, Pet Shop Boys, Orbital, amongst others. Of course there will have been many many bands appearing and as there are 12 stages, you’re not going to see everybody. No doubt I’ve sat or stood or danced to lots that I don’t remember. I went for those acts, and enjoyed all of them. The Black Eyed Peas were surprisingly good, so much so that I went to see their own show a few years later which was far better, even if a quarter of it was a robotic Will.I.Am playing other peoples tunes. It had nothing to do with me being six feet from the delectable Fergie’s arse at one point. Or the wink she gave me. My Humps indeed. What do you mean, the wink could have been directed towards anybody in the audience?

So you have to live in a tent for a couple of days. What could go wrong with that? The situation presents a problem for folk like me that have to have a shower on demand. The Glasto mud gets everywhere. Even on drier occasions there is still a bit about, this is the English summertime after all. Then there are the toilets..my my. Do a Google search. The ideal way to do it would be a hotel room at night then be dropped by plane into the place. You can be there in the crowd awaiting your band of choice for a good few hours, and I’ve heard many tales of people just weeing themselves where they stand as going to the toilet is too far away and getting back to your spot just isn’t going to happen. I’ve got great bladder control but have to admit to taking “precautions” while awaiting Coldplay one year. My stomach now turns as I recall being asked to get down, get down in the mud by Chris Martin during Adventure of a Lifetime.

At about 2.45 in the video, I was on my knees in who-knows-what.. At 4.12..she’s nice!

I take a drysack of clean clothes with me to be changed into before I leave, then chuck the used set in the bin on the way out.

Then there are the drugs. Everywhere you look, there they are. It takes no actual looking for them, you just see them. “Did you enjoy the festival?” “No idea, I was off my tits on something a stranger gave me”. “Which bands did you see?” “No idea, I was off my tits on something a stranger gave me”. A great way to spend over £300 for two days, I don’t think. As the Pulp song goes. “I seem to have left an important part of my brain somewhere, somewhere in a field in Hampshire, alright”. Or Somerset, in this case. I was offered stuff every twenty minutes, and politely declined. We had a lad in the next tent to us that was asleep for the whole weekend. His friends always had somebody there looking after him, but don’t you think an ambulance would have been a better option? He arrived and left in that state, carried in and out.

Finding your blue tent in a field of other mainly blue tents can be a challenge, but we always did. Other colours were available in the Durham shop, but we thought, blue, that’ll be easy to spot! Last time I went to the festival on my own, and spent a happy weekend wandering round the fields, seeing many things I’d not before. You can go there and not watch bands, but then why spend so much to do that? If you get the chance then definitely visit. Just take a rain mac, some good pelvic floor muscles, a traveljohn, and possibly a boat. And also earplugs, a revelation after my second visit. This older man was enjoying the band before the Prodigy appeared on stage and I asked why he was wearing them if he wanted to hear the music. He explained that they do a great job of blocking out some audience noise and the louder band sounds, making the band easier to listen to. It sounds, pardon the pun, that it’s an unintuitive thing to do, I mean you want to hear your band of choice at their best, don’t you? Being me, I was sceptical but he very nicely gave me an unused pair from his supply, still sealed. What can I say, he was right and now I see lots of people at gigs wearing them. I’ve tried a few and although I can’t recommend a set for you as every ear is different, my own faves are the Eargasm set for about £20.

I can’t plan to go to Glasto this year anyway as Ellie and I are supposed to be attending a wedding in New Zealand at the same time the festival is on. The wedding is of a uni friend we’ve not seen in the flesh since uni, so nigh on ten years. We keep in touch though, at first it was emails but now video calls. Time flies, I mean it’s been over a year since I held E’s hand, or any part of her, haha.

And don’t forget the fajitas offered by Tor rugby club!

“Can you just drop me in that dry field?”

Waifu, then.

Since mentioning this strange habit, well a strange habit to me thats is, I’ve had ten or so emails, mostly telling me that I am wrong, we’re not perverts, you don’t understand. So today I thought I’d give you the readers the chance to see some of these people in action. I’ve grabbed a few screenshots from r/waifu on Reddit, but other forums will be available.

For example..

(SO means significant other..previously to this I’d only ever seen it on the terrible facebook.)

Nothing unusual there then!

How about here?

Yes mate, talking to real girls is at least a million times better and think of all that fresh air you’d get as a perk! This waifuist may disagree though.

As a girl I feel I must defend my sex. STD rates in the US are huge compared to the UK. As far as us being gold diggers, that’s only going to happen if you have cash or celebrity status. You generally don’t find said gold diggers hanging about comic-cons or trawling online forums. “Gee, this guy looks like a catch. He’s not left his basement in five years but when he does, he dresses in a furry outfit. Imma gonna have him.”

The poster below didn’t specify whose basement, but you can guarantee the one pictured isn’t his. For a start there are no used tissues on the floor.

You get the picture. And before anyone says, well it doesn’t harm anybody, well surely this has to harm the people concerned, at the very least mentally. You can’t ignore the real world for ever. If all you want in your life is somebody to upvote your post on an online forum, then you have to take a look at yourself. I can wish to see somebody all I want, but what you think of as “channeling” is only dreaming, you sad fuckers. I dream of Ellie and Abby and other people, but they don’t materialise in my bed, sadly. I’ve had vivid dreams certainly but never confused them with real life, or maybe that one about falling off a cliff, which I have every now and again, is real and ..no, I’d be all wet, bloody and dead.

I can’t begin to think of how these people would tackle something like an enforced stretch of time away from their beloved. Most of the characters they like.. adore… marry, are from limited animations, therefore the source material may be only a few hours long. Try having a real relationship, which has to be worked at, has give and take. Your few hours cannot be stretched into an ever-growing stock of memories unless you invent them in your head. I’ll say it.. “normal people” have to deal with life everyday, their real SO being so complex that it would take decades to transcribe and animate the slightest nuances of their psyche.

Not being able to see my actual, physical-as-in-real-life girlfriend is a pain in the arse. Skype is no substitute for physical interaction, and I’m not talking about sex here. I miss tiny things like the smell of her hair. Just a simple thing that the waifuists will never get to do, but they’ll have you believe that their badly drawn girl is real and enjoys cooking when they’re out, or snuggling in front of the fire, or plays Call of Duty, (look at me, knowing the name of a game, ai is down wi da kids innit bruv), or in one instance, “we like to listen to music and sometimes slow dance together, watch an anime or a movie, or just quietly work on our separate projects while enjoying each other’s presence in a shared space.” I’d love to know what the imaginary girl is working on, do tell!

The mental health issues with this one are strong..

Firstly, you’re worrying that if a fictional character was real..actually let’s stop right there. I worry about a ton of stuff. How do I look, is my hair going to be a monster today, have I filled in that direct debit correctly, will the postie care if I answer the door in just my underwear again, everyday normal worries. Now I don’t care if you’re locked away 23 hours a day, you’re not going to be plagued with that one thought more than others. There’s been times when I’ve had to do something and put it off again and again, prevarication being one of my many failings, and the thought that I have to do it eventually is there sometimes, but never all of the time. Onto the next bit. So if she was real, she might not date you? We aren’t given any more information as to why this would be, sadly. The reply tickled me. I can imagine myself from an alternate universe loving Kylie Minogue so much she would date me. Is that how it works? I was of the impression that love was a two way thing, built up over time, with mutual respect and deep affection. What you have, Denoza0916, is at best infatuation, at worst a mental imbalance bordering on violent tendencies.

I don’t know. Maybe these waifuists will get the help they need. Maybe they will grow out of it. Maybe it’s none of my business. I’ll leave the forum alone, as I can only laugh so much in one day. I’m off to bed now, to cuddle my pillow.. OH NO!!

As ever, thanks for reading.



10th of March, 2021


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