37) The (now not) ongoing Marvel movies league table.

“I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts”. Something Just Like This – Coldplay

EDIT, 2nd May 2021. No more, no more. There is only so much of these I can take. Squeaky voices, physics denying plots.. I’ll leave this here but the negatives far outweigh the positives when watching these.

Hi there girls and boys, I hope you’re well.

This post isn’t meant to be me flying the flag for Marvel over DC, I couldn’t care less, (the correct term as opposed to “could care less”) which particular set of comics you align with. It was suggested I take a look, as I’m not one for superheroes. The idea that one person can solve the earth’s problems, a la Superman, had never appealed. Screams from the DC people as I cross the comic streams.. shhhh. What happens to the thousands of incidents he ignores in order to save a cat or child? So when Disney+ was offered to me for a month I thought, well I like the odd animated movie such as Finding Nemo etc, so took it on. Two of my neighbours in Durham are big Marvel fans, and a few times they’ve asked me in for a movie night to watch some costumed character save the world. I’ve always declined, but as lockdown drags on I find myself having to fill a day. Disney+ offers all of the Marvel movies, and in timeline order. I didn’t think this was a thing, but they lead on in a progression even though they were released in a not-timeline fashion. And all in 4k, so why not? Popcorn was purchased, tea brewed. I see they own the Star Wars films as well..Not seen those either! I’ve a tale about one of the later episode’s actors I’ll tell you about at some point.

First up was Captain America. I quite liked this, if you can ignore the physics. If his shield absorbs vibration, then how does it rebound to him from a wall? My school physics were recalled but we didn’t cover Vibranium, so maybe it’s some special rebound-when-the-movie-needs-it-to substance. And how can he jump from the bonnet of a car in motion to land on a truck, also in motion, in front of the car? The use of CGI in the early scenes of a skinny Steve are impressive, at least to me its impressive, somebody that doesn’t watch too many movies and therefore doesn’t know any of the actors. And then you have to get past the flagshagging as well, although I suppose that’s necessary, as well as maybe historically accurate..not something you usually find in US made movies.

Enigma machine, anyone? As the son of the ships commander that captured the machine said, “This film is not about history; it’s about showbiz,” said Charles Baker-Creswell. “Such films should come out with a government health warning: `If this is regarded as having anything to do with history, it may damage your thinking processes.’ ” And he lives 10 minutes from Ellie’s house. I digress.

So Captain America is a-battlin the naz..sorry, Hydra, can’t let modern-day politics creep into fiction, can we Marvel? Quite why the love interest is also there, when it’s been established that she is a “high ranking” officer.. everyone knows the high ranking officers were right behind the rank and file soldiers..how far, Blackadder?

Blackadder Goes Forth.

The curvy actress does all of this while in perfect uniform and make-up, at one point running through a forest..in dress shoes? Galaxy Quest had the battle scenes and uniform correlation correct, if only to display Sigourney Weaver’s chest. (I didn’t complain about that). His shield though..does it also attract bullets and energy pulses? I only ask as every one fired at him hits it, never one straying to his legs. I have this problem with most movies though, bullets flying everywhere but none hitting their target, until the hero fires off one shot and the opposite happens. I”m told Star Wars’ Stormtroopers are atrocious at shooting. (Thanks, Mark). But yes, an acceptable opening to the watchathon.

I then moved onto Captain Marvel. I sense a theme! When these were written, was a captain the only rank available? So we have alien races, blah blah, what is that noise? Backstory of being a pilot… again, that noise, like a whingeing child who had had their sweeties removed. Oh it’s the actress’ voice! Straight from the school of not opening a mouth to talk, she got on my nerves from her very first scene, and didn’t leave said nerves until the last. This is up there with everything that’s wrong with movies, the smugness, the in jokes, the expectation that you know the story arcs. If we can’t hear you talk, you know, when we need some exposition so that we can move the film along, we will be lost. I’ve heard tell that I’m going to hate watching Thor because of a voice..can’t wait! Too much back and forth between her past and present lives as well, revealing a little bit more each time, like a bad striptease. Movie, we already know her past. The temptation to skip through her dialogue proved too much. The absolute best thing about this movie was the cat.

I liked Iron Man. Well, after the temptation to switch it off after the first ten minutes. If Captain Marvel was smug, this bloke is an absolute dick. What would a woman see in him, apart from the money? And do we really need to see him and her about to shag? However it has some saving graces, such as the metal suit. I like the way it builds, the layers forming and the like. But, with all of his resources you’d think a bit of shrapnel would be easily removed from his chest? If the suit is meant to be powered by the thing in his chest, what happened to him when the baddie removes it from Stark’s chest? Does he die..no, he staggers downstairs. Now either this thing is keeping the bit of his own missile from entering his heart, which is what the scientist said it would in the cave, or it isn’t. A car battery was doing a perfect job of powering the magnet, so I don’t understand why the wee reactor is needed at all. AND why doesn’t the baddie just kill him there and then, instead of attempting to do it on top of a building? Of course in the end, Pepper flips the switch, killing the baddie, but somehow not Stark. It’s obvious they’re going to get together in the sequels, Marvel. You’re a really crap tease, and he’s still a dick.

Oh and the mini trailers hidden on the credits. I barely watch movies so never watch credits. Apparently I’m missing out, according to online pundits. So cue me searching for these little nuggets. A waste of time unless you are into the comics..sorry, “graphical novels”. I suspect they are there to please the comic fan-boys and girls, wetting their knicks each time an in-joke appears.

So at the moment the table stands like this;

Iron Man.

Captain America.

Captain Marvel.

I fear this last one is heading for relegation, ahhh sorry, tis America, where relegation isn’t a thing. Got to recycle those franchises! Or are there worse movies in this series? We’ll find out.

So next we have Iron Man 2. I expect more Pepper, more suits and more baddies with some ability bordering on identical to the main man.

As ever, thanks for reading.



22nd of March, 2021


3 thoughts on “37) The (now not) ongoing Marvel movies league table.”

  1. Yeah they take “suspension of disbelief” to new heights. *LOL* These movies should be classified as ‘fantasy’, not sci-fi. As Ponder Stibbons said “it’s all done by ordinary magic, Archchancellor”.


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